It’s like Foursquare for safe sex

Planned Parenthood rolled out a new social media site called Where Did You Wear It? so people can say where in the world they use condoms. It functions like the geolocation app Foursquare, but it doesn’t give exact addresses (your house is safe!) and doesn’t appear to require registration. You do have to input some information, but it doesn’t ask you to create a username or password.

The site is mostly used by people in their 20s, though some check ins are from older adults as well. Check-ins appear from all over the world! In Kansas City, the ages range from 20s to 50s, and seem to be fairly divided between guy/guy and guy/girl encounters. Most of the check-ins look like they’re around the midtown/KCK area, with far less in the suburbs.

Here’s a bit from their purpose:

Sex happens. We’re not encouraging you to have sex or not have sex.  We’re just encouraging people to be safer in their activities. This site is intended to provide a visual representation that safe sex happens too. There is strength in numbers. There is leadership by example. Be part of the solution. Be smart. Be sexy. Be responsible. Have safe sex and be counted to help normalize the use of condoms.

I like their mission. And the anonymity should help people feel comfortable listing their particular instance of safe sex. It’s time that being responsible and using condoms was seen as sexy.

Would you use the site?

Why do students use condoms?

I saw this photobooth campaign from the Great American Condom Campaign today, and I love it.

Why do you use condoms? "Because I love my body."

It’s a perfect example of using social learning theory to the benefit of safe sex. The social learning theory is a psychology theory saying people model after their peers – so, people campaigning for change in public health need to utilize this theory to make safe sex seem like cool sex.

GACC’s suggestion for college students is to host a photobooth on campus and ask students to pose with condoms or write a note about why they choose to stay protected.

What a great idea!

Does your partner’s “number” matter?

Many sexual health campaigns stress the importance of knowing your partner’s “number”. They show many hands wrapped around the partner, or a Facebook check-in on someone’s underwear. And while it’s important to know the STI status of your partner, I don’t think it’s important to know how many people they’ve slept with.

There appears to be a trend of demanding “numbers” from partners. This can never turn out well. You can have too many partners, or too few. What can your partner do with the information besides compare it to their own experience?

Instead, I argue that your number should be a secret. It’s information for you alone. No one should ever have to justify their past to their partner.

Remember in Chasing Amy when Holden demands to know everything about Alyssa's sex life? That was messed up.

In the Kevin Smith movie Chasing Amy, Holden assumes his formerly lesbian-identifying girlfriend has never been with a man. When he finds out from a friend that she was involved in a threesome with two men 10 years before, he’s heartbroken. He passive-aggressively brings the topic up while they’re at a hockey game together and she cries and admits to many different sexual acts and partners. Then she says she’s not going to apologize for her past, and this torments Holden for the rest of the movie. It ultimately ruins their relationship.

I really can’t imagine many of these talks going a different way – it can only cause problems.

As a journalism student, I understand the insatiable curiosity about other people and their lives. But when it comes to someone’s number, it’s really a private matter.

What is important, though, is to know the health of your partner. To know you’re not getting physically involved with someone who could be putting your health in jeopardy. That requires having a potentially much more awkward conversation. When someone asks for a number of previous partners, what they are really trying to infer is whether or not sex will be safe. However, the number is irrelevant. Like I said in my analysis of HIV/AIDS prevention campaigns, unprotected sex is a Russian roulette. Whether it’s your first partner or your 100th, you have an equal chance of getting hit with the STI bullet. The number of partners is meaningless information.

Instead, partners should be asking to see a clean bill of health. The Mayo Clinic recommends sexually active people get tested for STIs annually, as well as between each partner.

Questions to ask new partners:

• When was your last STI check? (Correct answer will be within the last year. If it’s been longer, ask them to get tested.)
• Where did you get it done? (This question can help you assess if the person is lying – if they don’t know or give a shifty answer like “I don’t know, the doctor’s?”, you may not want to trust them.)
• What STIs did you get screened for? (Correct minimal answer: chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV/AIDS, HPV. Incorrect answer: “All of them.” If you don’t know whether to believe them, ask if they got checked for herpes. If they say yes, ask how they were tested for it. Herpes can only be screened with a sample of an open blister – so if they don’t know how tests are conducted but claim they were tested for herpes, they’re lying to you.)
• What were the results? (Correct answers: All negative, or positive and treated.)
• If you had any infections, did you undergo treatment? If you had a treatment, did you have a follow up test? (Correct answer: Yes and yes.)

If you are unsure whether to trust them, don’t. It’s not worth your health. Even curable STIs – like chlamydia – have life-threatening long term effects if they aren’t found early on.

Sometimes, a new partner will act like you’re invading their privacy with these questions. Do not be deterred – you only get one body, and it’s your job to keep it safe.

If your partner has objections, take a deep breath and try these:

• Objection: You don’t trust me.
  Answer: This isn’t about trust. You can have an STI and not even know it. This is a way to take care of both of us.
• Objection: You’re being ridiculous.
  Answer: This is really important to me. If you can’t answer my questions and take this seriously, I’m not comfortable being naked with you.
• Objection: No one else asks me this stuff. I can go get sex somewhere else.
  Answer: That’s exactly why I’m asking. It only takes one time to get an STI, and I want both of us to be safe.
• Objection: I don’t need a test. I know I’m clean.
  Answer: The only way to know is with clean results from the clinic.
• Objection: This is embarrassing.
  Answer: Not as embarrassing as ending up at the doctor’s office with an STI.
• Objection: Tests are too expensive. I can’t afford it.
  Answer: Actually, you can get tested for free at health departments (city, county or federal), community clinics and Planned Parenthood. (Even guys can get tested at Planned Parenthood – it’s not just for the ladies!)
• Objection: I don’t need to tell you this stuff. Let’s just use a condom.
  Answer: Condoms don’t protect us from everything. Some STIs, like herpes and genital warts, can be passed along even with condoms.
• Objection: I’m too old to have an STI.
  Answer: No one is too old to have an STI.
• Objection: I can’t get tested, because I’m an underage drinker or use illegal drugs. I don’t want to go to jail.
  Answer: Clinics will keep that information confidential.

Have you encountered a different objection you need an answer to? Leave it in the comments!

What do you think about all this? Do you still think numbers matter?

Gotta love the clearance rack at the used book store

I visited Half Price Books in Westport (Kansas City, Mo.) and came away with great deals from the clearance section. If you’re in the Midwest or on the west coast, check out their stores – I always come away with more books than I planned on buying. (I don’t get anything if you click the link, by the way, I just really like their stores!)

For $1 each, I got:

1. The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort, first edition (1972). A classic. Evidently, it’s encyclopedia style. I’ve read the introduction so far – Dr. Comfort said he wrote his book for couples in love because only sex with a basis in emotion can be joyfully satisfying. I’m particularly interested in reading his advice on communication, to see if the advice has changed in the past 40 years.

I am also interested in comparing this edition to later editions – in the introduction, he calls sex one of the least dangerous activities a person can engage in, which was redacted in later editions, after HIV/AIDS became prevalent.

2. The Book of Sex – an illustrated reference book by the DK publishing company. I remember loving their illustrated guides to history and science when I was a kid, and I’m excited to see how they approach sex. The photos feature full nudity, which initially surprised me, but I’m glad to see a book about reproduction that doesn’t just have line drawings. It’s refreshing.

3. The “Go Ask Alice” Book of Answers: A guide to physical, mental, and emotional health. While this book was published in 1998, so it’s a little outdated, I purchased it to see how public health experts at Columbia University talk to teenagers and college students about health. CU is one of my dream graduate schools, too – I would loooooove to work on a Go Ask Alice project!

These books are a great addition to my growing library of books on health, sex and relationships, and gender studies. On that note, I need a new bookshelf – mine is already packed and sagging under the weight of all my books! Next stop: CraigsList!

Check back soon for my thoughts on these books!

New HIV/AIDS ad stigmatizes STIs

A new series of ads from the Finland HIV/AIDS Council is completely counterproductive. As you can see in their ad (below), there is a Facebook check-in symbol and the text: “Bill Johnson and 19 others were here.”

Advertising Agency: McCann Worldgroup, Helsinki, Finland

While it is true that having more partners statistically increases your probability of catching a sexually transmitted infection, it’s also true that it only takes ONE act with ONE person. Basically, having unprotected sex is a Russian roulette – you might not ever get an STI, or it might happen the first time.

Keeping this in mind, the ad’s use of a “shocking” number (considering only 9 percent of middle-aged adults report having 10 or more partners in their life, according to the Kinsey Institute, and most report have around five) not only is insulting to people with a large amount of safe encounters, but it’s also creating a false idea about who gets HIV/AIDS, or any other STI.

In short: If you have lots of partners, you’re probably diseased. If you don’t, you’re fine.

Classic slut shaming.

I think they are trying to say you should know your partner’s history. Which you should, to a point – you should know if your partner has a clean bill of sexual health before you engage with them. However, you are not entitled to information unrelated to that. If they have had an STI check since their last partner, and it came back clean (or they’ve taken care of any infections and been re-tested to be sure), that’s all they owe you.

I’m tired of seeing health campaigns that make people feel disgusting for having an STI. Most of them are taken care of just as easily as strep throat, and no one judges you for strep throat. The societal stigma against those with STIs is one of the chief factors preventing young people from getting tested, according to the Center for Disease Control. Instead of knowing they’re healthy, young people are afraid to find out.

It also leads young people to believe that if they aren’t promiscuous, they’re in no danger. This is absolutely not true, as many STIs have no symptoms (at least in men) and can be passed along very easily. For example, syphilis, chlamydia and HPV are often symptom-less in contagious men. This means sexually active people should be getting tested even when they aren’t exhibiting any symptoms.

Fighting the STI and HIV/AIDS epidemic is very complicated. Ad agencies should be aware of the social image they are creating, and of the factors affecting the issue they’re promoting. I truly believe advertising has the potential to be a tool for good – but only if they realize the consequences of their messages are real.

 

Turn on the lights

Now revealing my newest project: Turn On The Lights!

I have realized (long after everyone else knew this about me) that I have a major passion: healthy relationships and sex lives.

I believe that every human being has the inalienable right to feel safe, secure, and fulfilled in his/her/hir romantic relationships.

But I also know we don’t pop out of the womb understanding how to connect with others, how to talk about sex and STDs with our partners (still important in adulthood!), and how to effectively communicate our feelings and desires. We have to work on our skills and learn how to communicate and discuss our needs in a way that commands respect — like when to give slack, and when to cut ties and move on.

When communication is lacking in a relationship – because of fear, ignorance, embarrassment, or any number of other reasons – everything else suffers, from general happiness to physical health (and maybe especially, sexual health) to mental health. It’s hard to feel good about yourself and your body if you feel like your partner doesn’t appreciate you, right? So what can you do to change your relationship dynamics to be positive and healthy?

I have always been insatiably curious about other people’s sex lives. From the time I was a kid (maybe eight years old or so), I was in the library looking at books about sex. Those books may have told me how to unroll a condom or pick a bra that fits, but they didn’t tell me how to talk to my partner or what makes a healthy sexual relationship. They told me to “just say no” to unprotected sex (like it was a drug!), but they didn’t talk about the emotional and mental ramifications of a sexual relationship. They told me to be abstinent without talking about the passion and desire of a sexual encounter (even one without intercourse).

It’s time for adult sex education.

You know the facts. You’ve been having sex, some of you longer than I’ve been alive. This isn’t that kind of sex ed.

This is the NEW sex education — learning how to have fulfilling sex lives and communicate with your partner(s) effectively and sensitively.

You’ve read lots of things on my personal blog (that’s this one) from business advice to feminist ideas. Now, it’s transforming once again to the new sex education. (I’ll still be posting about my personal life from time to time, but the focus will be on this new project!)

I’ll be posting (and holding workshops!) about:

• Communication techniques for arguing, negotiating, investigating, and more
• Sex-positivity – what it is, what it means
• Current events that relate to your relationships and sex life
• Ethical sex lives – making your relationships environmental sustainable and socially responsible
• How modern society affects your self-esteem and expectations
• Online dating, and how that’s changed how we connect – and how to get better at it
  
• and more!

(If you have an idea for something you want me to cover, shoot me an email!)

Sex and relationships are such an odd subject in our society. On one hand, magazines like Cosmo and GQ advertise ways to tantalize on every cover — but they don’t talk about WHY you’re bored and WHAT you can do (besides bring ice cubes and silk scarves to bed). We get a basic education in high school (if you’re lucky enough to have gone to one of the 25% of high schools that does sex ed) but who talks about it with someone who isn’t just encouraging abstinence (a teacher) and blushing at the thought of discussing the subject (most parents)?

We do it in the dark, figuratively and literally.

It’s time to turn on the lights and have a candid conversation.

Visit my new website, www.TurnOnTheLightsWithAndiEnns.com, and read more about what this project is all about. If you want to book me to speak at your event or to your group, please contact me here. Feedback on my blog and website is appreciated, if you have thoughts on making it better!